Losing A Person

Last week, I saw Star Jones on Oprah.  I can’t say that I really have a feeling for her one way or the other.  I don’t follow the view and don’t really go for celebrity.  But, for some reason I left it on. . .

She had lap band (or other similar procedure. . . If you follow tabloids, celebrity news, etc you probably know which one) and she lost a lot of weight.   I’ve seen her before and the result is pretty dramatic.  During the course of the interview, she talked about what losing a whole other person did for her. . . you could tell it wasn’t just physically losing another person but also losing that person inside (to some extent) that she used to be.  She also reflected on finding who she is now.

When she said it, I realized that’s a lot like what I’m going through as we’ve stopped our pursuit of kids.  You see I always thought of myself as a mother even though I knew it might be difficult.  Like most little girls, I played house all the time as a child.  The only time I ever really didn’t think I’d be a mother was the when my TMJ headaches (which we didn’t know what was causing them at the time) were so bad before Cody and I got serious.  The more Cody and I dated though the more I could see myself with kids once again.  In fact, I changed my major and the course of my career because I wanted to be able to spend life around my kids and Cody.

Now, the course of my life is changing again.  That mother isn’t to be.  I’ve lost at least one whole side of me.  But as mother’s will tell you, motherhood is interwoven with nearly every aspect of your life.  It’s very much like I’m losing an entire person.

Our trip to Kansas City brought much of the very needed peace I needed.  These days I’m focusing on who I am now. . . what I enjoy and what I might like to fill the time on my hands doing.  I’ve wanted something more for a long time and now I know that motherhood isn’t it.  So, I need to figure out what that something more may be.  And, I’m giving myself time to just be and to explore. 

And I wonder who I’ll be a few years from now- now that I’ve lost this other person and am finding out who I am without that other person.  But, I plan on giving myself the time to find that out.

Related posts:

1. I Can’t Stand the Rain
2. Being Childless Sucks
3. Stuck in a Nightmare, or at least a Very Bad Dream
4. Raw And Tired
5. Instructions