Being Childless Sucks

That’s what I put into the google search engine yesterday. . . in a moment when it really was sucking. I’m not sure what I was wanting to find. I think to just see someone else feeling the same way and find some perspective. Do you know what I got? Posts about how infertility sucks- And it’s true, it does. Been there, done that. But, my being childless moved well beyond infertility sucks when we hit the brick wall that was adoption. I wanted something that caught the full gamut of how being childless (not just infertile) sucks. What else did I find? Posts about how motherhood sucks. . . and I suppose at times it sucks just as being childless sucks. But, it’s really not what I wanted to read about. And then, there were the posts by those who are childfree by choice saying that being childless doesn’t suck. That may be true when it’s by your choice, but for the rest of us who aren’t childless by choice, it does, at least at times it does. Not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s a huge contention/movement about how being childfree is so great- it often feels like a slap in the face when you’re not childfree by choice.

So this person is for the next person who finds their self at a point when being childless just sucks and searches for something when they’re not sure what they want to find.

What brought me to that point yesterday? The dang drum in my head that is life without kids that never seems to stop beating. There isn’t a day that’s gone by when I haven’t thought about kids or the lack there of. Sometimes it’s a “positive” thought- that we won’t have to deal with a screaming kid in the middle of Wal-mart (even though we’d trade places with the parent anytime). Other times, I wonder about the kids we were so close to adopting- how they’re doing or how I feel they were taken from me. Sometimes, it’s just re-hashing old history. Or perhaps it’s the incessant, how can parents do the things they do to their kids. Other times, it’s wondering about where I go from here- the fact that I’ve not idea what the future looks like without kids.

Too many days it’s not just one thought but many thoughts. Somedays, it’s just a thought or two. Other days, it seems to be in sterio coming at you from all sides. No matter how much you try to tune it out, it beats louder and louder. You can’t turn it off; you can’t even seem to turn it down. Yesterday, when I did my little google search, was one of those times. . . when the drum beat was just too loud. Those are the moments when being childless seems to take hold of you, stir up all sorts of emotions, and wreck an otherwise good day. That’s when the word “sucks” just seems to be the best way to describe the state of being childless. Despite all the other words in my vocabulary, “sucks” is the one word that is apropros. And it sucks when “sucks” is the one word you can find that describes the moment.

All I can do is ask God for peace. I know he’ll get me out of those moments. And I hope that one day he has in store for me a day when I don’t even think about whether or not we have children.

Lone Star Christmas

I was browsing the internet today and came across a book called “Lone Star Christmas”. . . I thought about what the book might be about as I clicked on the book’s image which included a single spur and holly.  Lone Star. . . Christmas. . . There is really is only one star at Christmas, now isn’t there. 

It seemed to sum up what I want Christmas to be like this year.   In the last few Christmas’s, I’ve really focused on Christ- Decor for Christmas.  I’ve focused on cutting out the secular world from my Christmas.  I’ve decorated with things like Poinsettias, Stars, and Nativities.  Even my Santa cookie plate and Santa stocking have stayed in the decorations box.    And, without kids, I haven’t had to wrestle with what to do with Santa at Christmas.

I will continue this new tradition this year.  When I think about my holidays this year- From Thanksgiving to Christmas- the things I want are the same.  To focus on my faith and family with simplicity, joy, and gratitude. 

We’ll be going to my parents for Thanksgiving and I’ll be spending time with my husband out at the deer lease for much of the holiday season.  Advent starts just after Thankgiving and I’m looking forward to the waiting and preperation for Christmas.  I plan on completing several advent devotionals this year.  And then it’ll be Christmas.  I really want the focus of my Christmas to be celebrating the Nativity of Jesus with my family- and good food of course.

(To my dismay, the book actually appears to be a Christian Romance novel and I’m not sure that it even touches on my thoughts as I read that title.)

It Wouldn’t Hurt Nothing

It was several months after Kenny Chesney released his song “A Lot of Things Different” before I started painting the rooms in our house.  It’s something Cody knew I would do eventually and every time we’d hear this line in the song, he knew I was getting closer to painting.

She wanted to paint our bedroom yellow and trim it in blues and greens
But I wouldn’t let her, it wouldn’t of hurt nothing

I knew what color I wanted for the kitchen and the dining room (or so I thought at the time).  I had picked out a yellow for the kitchen similar to oen we’d painted my parent’s sunroom.  I picked out a matching blue for the living room.  I knew I’d paint the ceilings a couple of shades lighter. 

But there was this brochure at Lowe’s that contained this one color.  D61-1 Morning Fog.  I thought I liked it but I really wasn’t sure.  It wasn’t a color I’d have chosen.  It was totally different than any direction I would have chosen.  It kept calling to me.  And, as I would think of painting our bedroom in the color , it was that line of Kenny Chesney’s song that I’d hear, “It wouldn’t hurt nothing”. 

In the end, I went for it and have never been more happy that I tried something different.  I love the color.  It takes on a different hue in different lights.  It’s bright yet calming.  I’ve since repainted my kitchen D61-1, Morning Fog, and re-painted my living room a matching color (smoke screen) from that same brochure.

I’ve always said that when, if ever, we get our next house, which we’d plan on building, the entire house would be D61-1, Morning Fog.  And recently, I’ve come to realize that I have no idea why I have to wait on some pipe dream to have the walls in my home be D61-1, Morning Fog.  “It wouldn’t hurt nothing.”

When we got the trailer at the deer lease and I looked at all the old paneling, how dark it was inside, and the different surfaces, I knew immediately, I’d be painting the interior D61-1, Morning Fog.  Cody knew, “It wouldn’t hurt nothing.”

Next, D61-1 will be making further appearances in my home.  I should have enough paint leftover from the trailer to paint both of our bathrooms in Morning Fog.  After I finish that painting and recover from the fun that is painting, I’ll be starting on the living room and the hallway. 

I love D61-1, Morning Fog.  It hasn’t hurt nothing.

November is Here! Routines and Schedules Please

October is Gone!  Praise the Lord!  November is Here!  I love that each year, each month, each week, each day, each hour, we’re given a fresh starting point.

October wasn’t the best month around here.  It had it’s share of the blues, wacky times, and busy times.  There was no routine and no schedule.  Everything seemed to suffer- we we’re exhausted, we ate miserably, the house became a mess. . . and this blog really suffered too.

Each year, November brings a new rhythm to our household.  Hunting season comes into full swing.  Gone are the days of preperation and the overnights at the deer lease begin.  With a new place to stay at the deer lease, I plan on being out there more often.  I know I want to enjoy my time out there.  

And I knew with everything that October was and everything I want November to be, I need to get organized.  We bought the month’s groceries last week.  I wanted to get a head start.  I wanted to do some freezer cooking.  So, after shopping for the month’s groceries, this was the scene on my dining room table- before I started cooking each of the recipes you see on the table.  Our freezers are full.

Now, I can settle into the rhythm that November brings- the new rythymn that this year will bring.

For Today

I’ve been wanting to try this Simple Woman’s Daybook format for a while.  And since I haven’t had a chance to go through the 1000’s of pics we took last weekend on our unexpected trip to Corpus Christi, tonight’s the night I try it.  After all, I haven’t blogged in quite some time.

Outside my window… It’s getting dark.  It’s been cloudy and dreary.  (But so much cooler than Corpus was- so no complaints here.)

I am thinking… I’m so glad I decided to take Karen Russell’s class.

I am thankful for… a job that gives me flexibility.  Took the afternoon off to pay bills and pick up around here.  I’m really behind after being sick, then out of town. . . and I’ll have a short weekend as I have to travel for work Sunday.

I am wearing… A tank top and pare of knit shorts.  (Quite a get-up)

I am remembering… how tired I am.

I am going… to bed in an hour and a half.

I am reading…my photography lessons- or really listening to them and reading along.  And catching up on blogs so I can manage my Google Reader

I am hoping… the Twins win!

On my mind… how I need to plan meals and want to do a better job in the cooking/ kitchen organizaiton department this month.

Noticing that… I just got the hiccups again.

Pondering these words… We have a bunch of ballplayers. . . Twins Manager

From the kitchen… Chicken Parmigiana

Around the house… Laundry is going, kitchen is clean.  Still need to clean around here.

One of my favorite things~ when Cody gets really interested in something.  Tonight it’s a new hunting catalog.

Sweets for Breakfast

It’s no secret that I love dessert.  (Like this or this).  I come by it naturally.  Three women in my family are really to blame for this.  After all, when you eat dessert, you must never blame yourself.

My mom almost always had something planned for dessert when I was growing up. . . and you couldn’t have dessert until after you ate the rest of your meal.  This meant that dessert was extra special.  I often wonder if that’s part of our love affair with desserts.  Many child development experts say that you should serve dessert along with the rest of the meal and I have to agree. . . dessert changes when it’s not as extra special.

And where in the rules does it say you can’t eat dessert first?  As long as you eat the rest of your meal, what difference does it really make?

Last night, my raising rubbed off on me. . . I wanted dessert to go along with the meal that Cody and I were preparing.  I went with one of the simple desserts my mom used to make.  A Chocolate Pudding Pie.  Now a true chocolate pie (one with pie filling and meringue) is one of my favorite desserts.  But, a simple chocolate pudding pie (with cooked pudding, graham cracker crust, and cool whip) is nice as well and much easier.  And, it’s always nice to have that cool dessert in the summer time.  I was out of graham cracker crumbs but luckily enough I had some graham crackers. . . so it was easy enough to make this simple dessert.

When I mentioned this, I kind of hinted at where this post is actually going.  But, if we’re talking about sweet tooth influences, we must mention this woman- especially when that post is all about Banana Cake.

Grandma Floyd made the best Banana Cake you ever had in your life.  I remember as a child how it was almost if our family was fighting over the cake- because we knew it would be gone in one sitting.  But we always kept it civil.  She, of course, is responsible for my mother’s sweet tooth.  So, her influence was doubly passed on to me.

But, back to where this post is going, and where the title came from.  Now, I don’t remember the next woman’s influence on my sweet tooth involving anything she cooked.  Rather, it was of the store bought variety.

Yes, it was the twinkies and zingers.  Grandma Lantz’s house was the place to go if you wanted something like that.  But, I don’t recall getting them just any time of the day.  It was always at breakfast.  Yes, it was at Grandma’s house to have dessert first- not before the rest of the meal, but as the first meal of the day.  It was her own personal typical breakfast.  (She was a character alright. . . this is the grandma with which I made up some rather tall tales.)

So, now, I ask you.  What do you think I had for breakfast this morning?

It wasn’t all that bad until I was over at Ella Publishing  and the question was, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?”.  My answer stuck out from all the rest.  All these folks with their healthy breakfasts and my Chocolate Pudding Pie.  Their little breakfast bars likely included granola and so did my breakfast.  Does that count?  And guess whose tasted better?

Go Where You’re Lead

Yesterday, I took the afternoon off.  I scheduled a hair appointment and used the rest of my time to do a little shopping- to follow where inspiration led me.

The first stop was Hobby Lobby.  I needed fabric for a couple of shirts I want to try making.  Not being a seamstress there’s not telling how that venture will turn out.  I’d been looking at fabrics online and found a few that I loved.  I knew I wouldn’t find them at Hobby Lobby but I hoped to find something similar.  Fabric shopping online though was really interesting.  I learned what a Jelly Roll was when a search for the fabric I liked brought one up.  Then, I was learning about cakes and fat quarters.  Shopping for fabric at Hobby Lobby was not so exciting.  But, I found some.

On my way downtown, I lamented about how we don’t have any good places to buy fabric.  Hancock is long gone and even Walmart no longer has fabric.  I got downtown in time to do some antique shopping.  I thought maybe I’d find an old table cloth or fabric.  I had some time before my hair appointment.  Then, I found that several shops that used to have antiques no longer did.  I headed for the large antique mall where I knew there would be all kinds of interesting things to inspire me. 

But, when I got to Main Street, the flood gates opened.  And I began to think I’d never get across the street- or have time to really shop on the other side of the streeet.  It was as if my body was telling me to hook a left turn down the sidewalk.  I decided not to buck the urging.  I knew there had been some antique stores down there. 

I didn’t make it that far.  I found a new store, Lyrics, and it drew me in.  I was meant to go there.  I know that now.  I was just following some divine leading.  And once I got in store, it was divine.  It’s a fabric/quilting store!  With many of the fabrics I’d been looking at online- mostly in Jelly Rolls, Cakes, Fat Quarters, etc.  (Had it been a week earlier, I wouldn’t have even known what treasure I’d just found.)  It was quite inspiring and really got my creative juices going.  Ideas and projects came flooding to my brain.  And the color- oh the colors.  And Patterns and Idea books.  And fabric choices. 

I kept watching the time but I didn’t want to leave.  I managed to hold out and not buy up the entire store.  After my hair appointment, I went back and forth in my mind and with footsteps wanting to go back but knowing it probably wasn’t wise. 

All I could talk about when I met up with Cody was Jelly Rolls and Fabrics and this new store Lyrics.  Poor man had to put up with it all night- through our monthly grocery shopping, the whole way home, and most of the evening at home.  It was so bad that Cody and I began joking about my Jelly Rolls, real Cinnamon Rolls, and Panera Bread each time we heard a plug for Panera listening to the baseball game.  (I told you he really enjoyed the Cinnamon Rolls from the Panera in the KC Plaza)

I went back to the store with Cody today.  He didn’t get it but hew knew I did and that was enough.  He was just as support- I knew without him around I’d go financially bonkers.  I walked out with two jelly rolls of the collection that included the fabric that originally led me to jelly rolls online.  (They’re on the bottom left of the bottom picture.)  And they put them in a box similar to what you’d use for a cake.  How cute was that!

If your in Nacogdoches, be sure to check out Lyrics on Main Street.  They also do sewing lessons.  I’d have signed up yesterday but I’ve got Karen Russell’s photography class which starts in just a week. . . so, after that, I know what classes I want to take next.

It’s just so strange how things unfolded yesterday afternoon.  I just went where I was lead and wound up finding a real gem.

The Brightside of the Un-Photographed Park

Back a little over a year ago, my brother, husband, and I went to a park in Kilgore while trying to kill time between balloon race events.  (I won’t go into those details now). . . We took a few pictures, rested, and at lunch.  But, then later that day, I somehow managed to delete those pictures along with some others.

Monday, I had a surprise opportunity to re-visit the park- and get paid to do it.  At work, we had a document that needed signature that night.  It was nearly 200 miles away.  So, through a series of exhanges, we made plans to get the document to our office.  I was the last leg of the documents journey. 

Now, when I was called upon to take the duty, even before I knew where I would be going, I had two choices- balk and complain or look on the bright side.  Most people that know me know just exactly which choice I took.  The Bright Side- it’s something I always try to find. 

(Even with all our adoption struggles I try to find some part of the bright side- see a child throwing a fit in the grocery store and despite the fact that I would love to deal with that kind of thing, I can be happy that I don’t have to deal with that kind of thing.)

So Monday, when I first learned about it, I got all the details.  How could I make the trip work for me?  Maybe Cody and I could make the drive together?  Maybe we could eat with some friends that live up north that we’ve recently reconnected with?  But, those plans were not to be.  There was no time and Cody would have to give notice to be off since the journey would start before we would get off.

So, as it turned out, I made plans with a co-worker to meet her in Kilgore- at the park. . . a great place to be sure we could find each other and avoid traffic.   My bright side of thinking was, “cool, I’m getting paid to drive to the park.”  The only downside- my camera was at home and home was out of the way.

I used to drive all the time for work but it’s been quite a while.  I joke that I knew it was time to move on from my former position when I loved the driving but hated getting out when I got to my destination.  It was a beautiful day for a drive.  I don’t often get to drive and don’t often go places without Cody tagging along.  So this was a real treat.

I got to the park and spent about 15 minutes walking around, sitting, and enjoying the weather.  It’s only been in the 80’s for highs this week.  It’s unseasonbly cool!  In the shade, with a breeze, it was beautiful just sitting beside the water breathing in the cooler air. 

And, then it was time to meet my co-worker and head back.  I wound up with about 1.5 hours of overtime (or time to adjust) on a night that the change in plans really didn’t hurt anything. 

What did I really have to complain about?  Nothing.  Sure my schedule changed, Cody and I had to make arrangements for his return home, and dinner was pushed back.  But, in the words of some football folks, “Come on man!”  On a beautiful day with wonderful weather, I was paid to take a little drive, go the park, and earn a little time I can take later.  That’s a real treat!

The Morning Skies Taunt Me

Some mornings I hate going to work.  When the skies look like these, I’d rather be somehwere else. 

I took thse shots about a week ago.  But, it happened even just yesterday morning- before I’d even seen the skies. . . I could see the color on the sidewalk and knew what was overhead.

I’d rather be photographing the beautiful skies in front of me rather than wastching from behind me.  I don’t have a choise though, I have to go to work.  So, I probably drive Cody crazy on these mornings as I carry on about the light and the colors in the skies as he drives us to work.  I normally don’t take pictures because it’s hard to get great shots through all the truck windows at 70 MPH.  And since I love to “sneak” in shots of Cody driving, I’msure he’s glad I don’t.

But, I can’t help but wish I could photograph these mornings.  I dream of a day when I don’t have to go to work and can capture the beautiful sky.

Of course, in that dream, there aren’t any powerlines as well.

Photography Walk Date

I mentioned Cody and I’s little photography walk earlier this month- where I got a picture of my off-centered and awkward husband- oh, I mean an off centered and awkward picture of my husband.  By bad, honey.

Here’s a few other shots from that walk. This first one is my favorite shot from the batch.

Facebook?

So obviously, I have The Old Front Porch and this blog. Do I really need facebook? I don’t really think so except that some folks I know wanna make me friends. I’ve had a facebook profile for a really, really long time. (Signed up to keep up with an artist) But, I’ve never used it. Tonight, I decided to update it a bit and am working on getting my blog posts to feed over there. So, while I don’t think I’ll be a big facebook person, I also don’t want friends to think I’m non-existent.

How do you find you do most of your online communicating?

Today’s Odd Assortment

Ok. . .so today’s been rather random. . . so I’ll just kinda summarize a few things.

• Went to work with lots of energy.  The computer squandered two or three hours from me. . . over an hour and a half of which was spent on the phone with the help desk who was logged into my computer. . . AKA I could do nothing- not use the phone, not step away from the phone, and not doing anything on the computer.  Lost that energy real quick.  But at least it’s all working now.
• We went to Lowe’s again today.  Our checkbook register has Lowe’s about every three of four transactions lately.  This time it was to get some foggers and granules since Cody has brought home fleas. . . from the deer lease.  It’s an odd thing as neither of recall fleas being an issue in the woods before.  (But he’s seen fleas at our new camp.)
• Cody changed his plans for the evening and the weekend about four or five times tonight.  I think he’s finally settled.  It means I had one plan for the evening which turned into something totally different.
• We spent several hours together this evening.  I guess you could call it quality time.  We sat and reviewed the Draw Hunts for across the state and figured out which drawings he wanted to enter.  We nearly signed up for one near Debby’s old neck of the woods. . . but instead the Mule Deer Hunt one is nearly to El Paso- like well over 1000 miles away.  But the odds of him getting any of the four hunts are very slim.
• Unlike Cody, I fully nailed down a plan for next week- I’m taking Monday and Tuesday off to ride the wave of creativity.  At work, I’ll just call it a stay-cation. . .but really I plan to make it a creative retreat.  Which means I need to clean house.  I’ll actually start my retreat Saturday (though it’ll change a bit as Cody gets home and however Sunday goes.)
• I want to See Julie and Julia. . . maybe I’ll make plans for Sunday. . .
• Cody has spent more time of the phone as of late. . . yesterday evening it was over 3 hours.  He made more calls today.  And just when he thought he wouldn’t call Billy about those hunts, Billy called us.  That call is no problemo though.
• The Royals won today- and won the series.  It’s the first time they’ve won a series since the series they played in Houston- of which we were at the first game.
• I’m tired. . . that’s probably why this is so disjointed.
• Oh and I ordered the project that I’ve most looked forward to that I’m working on.  I can’t wait to share it.  But first I’ve got to check it out myself.

Enjoying The Good Times

This Guy, Billy Butler, has been tearing it up as of late.  It’s really great to see as he seems to be a really nice guy.  And my nephew really looks up to him.

Cody and I were discussing Billy’s recent success at the plate on the way to the deer lease today.  The thing, to me, about his success in the past month is that you can really see him enjoying it and just having a good time.  You see him smiling all the time- at the plate, at his post on first base, or in the dugout.  I kinda think his “luck” as of lately has surprised him and his face really seemed to show that when he hit a home run Friday.  (This is how great he’s been- I just turned to Cody to clarify which day was the home run. . . he says it was Friday because yesterday he “just” hit three doubles.)

As we talked and I thought about how much he was enjoying himself out there on teh field, I thought about how much of our lives we don’t enjoy- or take the time to enjoy- especially the good times.   How often do we really appreciate the good times?  So often we’re looking over our shoulder, want something more, or expect something bad.

Thinking about the way Billy is playing and how he seems to be handling it, I realized that I want to take the time enjoy life and smile more.

Teacher and Student

Last month, I took a class at Jessica Sprague called Photo Editing: Frame-ups and Special Effects.  It was a lot of fun to step outside of my box and do things to photographs that I don’t typically do. . . it’s just not really my preference or style. 

This month, I’m taking the Brush*Abilities class at Jessica Sprague.  It’s been some more fun experimenting and learning.  Although during the last class, I really tried to stick the script, this time I feel like I can play a lot more.

The first image was yesterday’s task.  Below are some of the things I played with for today’s lesson.

(For both the top image and the bottom image, I used the Digital Distressing Kit from Scrapartist owner Nancie Rowe Janitz that came with the class.)

Let it Rain!

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.” ~ Author Unknown

I love the rain; I always have.  When Cody and I graduated from college we moved to Corpus Christi where he was from.  It nearly never rained. . . (and the way those folks drove in the rain, you can tell they have no clue what they are doing in rain.)

About a year and a half after we moved down there, I had gone to the post office for work.  It started raining. . . I just stood out there in the rain.  A huge smile across my face just soaking in each soaking drop of rain that came down from the skies.   I could have stood there in the parking lot all day but I’m sure someone would have called the police on me as I must have been crazy right?

Not crazy,  just too far removed from Rainy Days.  It was around the time that we decided to move back up here to where we went to college.  I remember telling my poor husband about how much I missed the rain and how I wanted to live where it rained.

Even now though, we go through droughts.  One of the first years we moved back up here, we had a summer drought that brought several forest fires.  In fact, for a while, one of the fires was really close to where we lived.  We still had the storage unit and moved all our special stuff to it.  But, we worried about our neighbors, our good friends, who’d lived on that land forever.  Each day we drove to work through smokey conditions.  Never again would rain be cursed- even when it’s super cold and dreary.

We had been having a dry and droughtful summer until the past few weeks.  It’s still pretty dry out there- in fact we’re under a burn ban.  But, we’ve had thunderstorms nearly every day or every other day.  Some bring lots of rain, some just a little.  But, I’ve loved each and everyone.  Summer rain always smells so good.